14 weeks and 1 day ago we welcomed Riley into the world and our mad house and although we are all slightly worn out it has been the best thing of 2020.
After 4 Girls people would always ask me if i was trying for a boy, truth be told, I always wanted a boy, Girls are mini versions of me and oh my are they a handful! I wouldn’t change them for the world, but there was only so much sass i could take, i needed a little prince to dote after.
I had always been the kind of person who would rather be in a room full of babies than adults, I love everything about them, but honestly with every child I’ve had I’m come to appreciate the small things so much.
Take my first Daughter Lottie i was only 16, things were tough, i knew nothing about being a mum. Everything made me anxious, I even put little mirrors in her cot and had her attached to me via a sling 24/7 just so i can make sure she was breathing. I jumped at every cry & cried at every smile. I missed out on some of the joys and ended up with PND (postnatal depression)..
Seven years later I had Grace, this was strange to me, I kinda knew what i was doing, but I had a active partner and In-laws, this time I was nervous, pressure was on me to do things a certain way, and i had anxiety about making sure I didn’t have another bout of PND, when my waters broke at 28weeks, I was a mess. But thank fully she was ok, although Breech and born at 37Weeks.
Within a few months i was pregnant again with my Third Daughter, Bethany. This time i suffered with Prenatal depression, the support i had around me was low, I was called mad for having another child so close to my last, we were made homeless within my first 12 weeks of pregnancy and my relationship hit the rocks hard. Along side my depression, i also developed pre eclampsia, this meant that yet again, lots of hospital visit, anxiety and a early birth at 37Weeks.
But she was perfect and my depression slowly dissolved and i got into an amazing routine with all three Girls, unfortunately I didn’t spend as much time as i wanted doting on Bethany as Grace also needed attention, there birthdays were 11days apart and Grace hit milestones alongside Bethany’s, up until 3 years ago they shared there birthdays and Bethany does not have as many pictures of her as Grace does.
Skip forward 5 years and I was separated from their dad, when i was told my ovaries needed removing due to PCSO but first I wanted another Baby. Selfishly I became pregnant with My fourth Daughter Sophie. Although things went smoothly with her pregnancy, my history meant lots of hospital appointments, My marriage completing ended.
This was after much build up of stress, I got extremely ill and was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia and an autoimmune disease. This meant that the first 3 years of Sophies life, I needed a lot of help to look after her and that fell on my oldest Lottie and my mum. (As well as people like my best friend Nicki)
Which brings me to 3 years later, I got divorced, went to CBT therapy, saw countless doctors, Moved out of London, met a new man and from there my life became changed, I no longer needed countless medication to get thru the day, My children were Happy and i started to notice so much more.
We tried just over a year to get pregnant, i needed the help of medication, suffering 3 chemical pregnancies and a miscarriage.
But yay! On the 2nd January 2020 I found out I was pregnant again, March 2020 we went into lockdown and the whole world changed, August 2020 Riley John was born at 34weeks and 3days by Caesarean Section, spent 8 days in neonatal and has been filling this house with joy ever since.
This time its all so different, I get to watch him grow, I get to treasure the small things, There is no pressure, no stress, i have so much support it’s unbelievable, My partner Alfie is a great dad, he cooks, cleans, takes the other kids to school, runs me baths, does the shopping and makes sure i get as much time to enjoy all of the kids as much as possible.
I’m sad I didn’t get to be this mum for my Daughters, but I’m ever so happy that i have been giving the time and support to be The mum i always wanted to be to all of them now.
I know we are only 14 weeks into this but for some reason I feel like things will only get better.
Watch this space! X